You like 'em?
Those... seem like lovely tits.
William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
Well, darn him.
But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.
You've been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here.
- Mrs. Cleary, l don't-- - Call me Cat.
Okay, Cat--
Call me Kitty Cat.
Okay, Kitty Cat,
this feels borderline inappropriate, and--
- Feel them. - What?
- l said feel them. - Mrs. Cleary--
Kitty Cat.
l'm sorry, Kitty Cat. Are you out of your fucking mind?
l'm not letting you out of this room
until you feel them.
Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.
Pervert.
Mom make you feel her tits?
Did you say something, Todd?
Mom make you feel her tits?
Todd, where are you going with this?
Just don't-- don't say anything to my dad, though.
Some friend of my sister's--
and she said something to my dad a couple of years ago--
he now lives in a shack in Guam.
Not by choice.
Stop kidding with me, Todd.
You almost had me, come on.
- John, l need to talk to you. - No, not right now.
What's wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face?
Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Well, snap out of it! What? A hot, older woman
made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
l wasn't crying like a little girl.
Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front
of the whole damn family and have some real problems? Jackass.
What were they like, anyway? They look pretty good. Are they real?
Are they built for speed or for comfort? What you do with 'em? Motorboat?
You play the motorboat? Ppppt!
You motorboatin' son of a bitch. You old sailor, you!
Where is she? She still in the house?
What is wrong with you?
What do you mean what's wrong with-- what's wrong with you?
- No, what's wrong with you? - No, what's wrong with you?
- You're projecting. - Drop it.
You drop it! You stop projecting on me.
Why don't you go enjoy yourself while l go ice my balls and spit up blood?
- Drop it! - ''Team player.''
Ahem.
Oh, Mr. President!
What do you want?
You're in my room.
Oh, dear.
Well, l'm too drunk to walk,
so carry me to my room.
Carry you--
sure.
You banging the daughter and the grandma?
How much jam you got, man?
- Jam? l-- - Listen, man,
the family dog lives downstairs.
l can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.
You could not be more wrong about what's happen--
Just be gentle with her, okay?
She be pushing 90!
Jesus Christ.
Hey! Good thing l didn't hold my breath.
Yeah, l'm sorry, l just, uh...
Sorry l'm late, l just--
You okay?
No no, l'm fine, l just--
- l just got, uh, held up. - Hmm. My family's a little strange.
A little strange?
Come on. Claire.
Your family... are totally nuts.
- And guess what? - What?
- l love it. - You do?
- Yeah, it seems great. - Really?
- Yes! - l get a little self-conscious.
lt's a family! You're mixing it up.
You got the sweet little grandma who's really sweet
with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she's kinda mean.
But you're like, ''Well, fuck it, she's so old,
and she's not gonna change now.''
- Oh. - Shit, it was great!
l just hope l didn't embarrass myself with that stupid joke l told.
Are you kidding? That was so funny!
- No, really? Really? - Yeah! Yeah, you're like that
crazy guest who thinks he's part of the family already, it's--
Doesn't sound that great. That sounds horrible.
- No, it's cute. - The crazy guest who thinks he's
like a part of the family who's gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that?
- Yeah. You know, you break the ice. - Yeah.
lt can be so stuffy sometimes in there.
Claire?
- Yeah? - There you are.
Have you checked on Sack? l think he's pretty sick.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. No, l'll be right in.
Um, l should-- l should go check on him.
Yeah, sure, okay. Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
Claire.
Mm-hmm?
l'll-- l'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Oh no.
Are you okay?
Well, Claire, um...
my head's buried in a toilet.
What do you think? Why don't you do the math, okay?
Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. lt's just me.
Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?
- Right. - Hey, you wanna help me out?
Do ya? Do ya, kid? Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?
All right, 'cause l think l'm--
l think l might get vulnerable again.
What the f-- fuck is going on?
Shh, shh, shh! You'll wake my dad.
Baby, l started thinking about what you said before
and l think the problem is l am not being adventurous enough for you!
Gloria, l am pretty sure that is not what l've been saying to you.
Shh! Baby...
l'm gonna make all your fantasies come true.
But this is not fant--
l love you.
# Till l drive you away #
# l know what you'll say #
# You say oh #
# Someone you know #
# But l promise you this #
# l'll always look out for you #
# Yeah, that's what l'll do #
# l say oh #
# Oh-oh #
# l say oh #
# Oh-oh-oh #
# l saw sparks #
# Yeah, l saw sparks #
# l saw sparks #
# Yeah, l saw sparks #
# l saw them #
# La la la. #
Gloria, go to sleep, honey.
lt's not Gloria.
Jesus Christ!
We had a moment at the dinner table, didn't we?
No. No, we did not have a moment at the dinner table.
Yes! We had a moment.
l was right there. Todd, l would have noticed if there was a moment.
- There was no moment. - l made you a painting.
What?
l call the painting ''Celebration.''
lt's sexual and violent.
l thought you might like it.
No.
- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes. - No. They need to know about us.
- lt's okay. - No no no no. Hide hide hide!
Please please please.
You gotta hide, you gotta hide! Not there. Not there!
l'm not comfortable-- l'm not comfortable with that!
- Let's play tummy sticks! - What's tummy sticks?
l don't want to play tummy sticks! Get in the closet.
lt's okay, l was where you were a year ago.
Get in the fucking closet right now! You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet! Go!
l'll pop out at the right moment.
No, you will not!
Everything okay in here? l thought l heard something.
l was just having a bad dream.
Oh.
l know about bad dreams.
You know, Todd...
screams
at night sometimes.
You know, the doctors call it night terrors.
l don't know.
Hmm?
Oh. Okay, then.
Sleep well.
There's nothing terrifying about the night.
Now, listen, if you let me go to bed and get some sleep
then l-- we can talk tomorrow.
You won't make time for me.
lf l get my sleep l'll have to-- l'll--
l'll love to make time and talk about, uh, uh, different things.
Like paintings.
Can't wait for tomorrow
when l got energy and l can really share some stuff.
Okay.
- Oh, it's gonna be great. - You sleep.
Mmm. Okay. That was nice.
That was nice! Please let me just sleep.
l can't take this fuckin' shit anymore!
There he is! lt's the big guy! Get in here.
Wait till you see the spread. Anything you want.
Yeah, well, get what you want to go.
The ferry leaves in 25 minutes. We gotta get outta here.
Whoa, what's your problem? Have some of this stuff.
l didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. l'm fried.
- Soft mattress? - Yeah, that could've been it.
lt could have been the soft mattress. Or, it could've been
the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art show that took place in my room--
one of those probably added to the lack of sleep--
Try one of these scones, you're gonna love 'em.
l'm a little traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
Will you slow down for a second? The whole eyedrop thing backfired.
Okay? lt didn't work. She had to leave me and go attend to him.
Why are you looking at me like that?
You're falling for this broad.
No! l just met her.
Exactly. l'm gonna go.
- You can't go. - Watch me.
Watch me take this on down the road.
lf you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out and throw a shit fit,
and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown mode here at the house.
l don't give a baker's fuck!
l just had my own sock duct-taped into my mouth last night!
- Whoa, what? - Yeah, the sock
that l wore around all day,
playin' football in, pouring sweat in,
was shoved into my mouth, and there was duct tape over it!
Well, let's talk about it. l'm a good listener.
l'm not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay?
l felt like Jodie Foster in ''The Accused'' last night.
l'm gonna go home, see Dr. Finkelstein
and l'm gonna tell him... we got a whole new bag of issues,
we can forget about Mom for a while. l'm gonna go.
Suit yourself.
Rule #1.
Rule #1 : Never leave a fellow crasher behind.
- l can't believe how selfish you are. - l need you.
A friend in need is a pest.
l'll stick it out with you because you're desperate.
- l need the big guy. - l'm gonna try to give you
a little bit more time, because somebody can't close.
- Fair enough. - But if you want my help,
you gotta listen. Number one: Stop being a pussy.
Number two: Make a move.
Number three...
you know it.
Could you pop the syrup for me? Just as a top off?
Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.
Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor,
- l'm gonna choose not to eat with you. - We're not gonna eat together?
No. l like to recharge my batteries,
and shut down the engines, and get myself back to neutral.
When the meal's over with, l will talk to you.
l don't want to get into what happened last night,
'cause it's only gonna make me mad. Let's get through today,
let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus,
- and let's close some ass. - Noted.
Can l tell you something without you getting angry?
l love you.
Yeah, you, big guy.
l love you too.
Hello.
- Trapster, it's Sack. - Sackmaster!
- How was the wedding? - Oh, it was boring, you know,
but the bachelor party, of course, rocked.
We got Heidi a couple of those fucking sluts
from the environmental group, remember them?
No way! Did you tap that again?
Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Damn! Sluts!
Oh, how's Claire?
Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
Claire? She's, you know, whatever, l don't know.
She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time.
But that'll all change when we're married,
'cause l want a wife. l don't want a fucking martyr, right?
l hear that, my friend.
Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-l got--
do you remember that private detective we used
to set up that fucking Shearson Lehman prick?
The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
Yes. l need you to get some dirt on these two guys
John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire.
They got some sort of N.P.O. called ''Holy Shirts & Pants.''
- l will check into them. - Excellent, bro.
- You da man! - Take it easy.
Where's Sack?
Oh, he's-- he's still not feeling very well.
Well then, ''The Woodwind'' takes off without him.
- John my boy. - Yes?
We're tacking back round.
Do me a favor, ease the sheets,
swing the jib starboard.
Okay, let me--
Okay.
One minute.
- Hi. How's it going? - Hi.
Oh, just swinging the jib here for your dad.
Starboard. Trying to get it over here and crease the sheet.
Um, but starboard's this way.
- Oh, that's right. What am l-- - Yeah.
- What am l thinking? - l'll help.
- Okay. - Hang on, hang on.
- Watch the jib boom. - Oh.
All right, push it. Push it this way.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.
- Come on, use some muscle. - There we go.
All right, that's good. Done. Done.
You know, l'm used to sailing down under with the Kiwis,
so everything is backwards.
Even the toilets-- when you flush them,
the water spins the opposite way.
Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
John my boy,
come on up here.
Man ''The Woodwind'' for a while.
On my way.
Hey, your dad was telling me about a great beach near here
that maybe we could check out
if you have any interest when we get back.
Yeah.
Great. Okay, it can get confusing up here.
lf you have a problem, just give me a call.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Now how would one get to this Sook's Bend?
Actually, it would be a really nice bike ride.
Everything's ready for the quail hunt!
For the quail hunt?
Yeah. lt's a-- it's a Cleary family tradition.
Well, l think you might have to deal me out on this,
- 'cause we were gonna-- - Nonsense, l insist.
John, you gotta go! You're gonna love it! You're gonna love it!
Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit sick for hunting.
Oh, no, l'm great! Honey, l'm great!
Oh, l'm going! Right? Right?
Okay. You're going.
- So, l guess l'll see you later. - See you later.
Just take it easy, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Mr. Environmental is also a-a hunter.
lt's kind of an interesting combination.
l hunt quail, Jeremy!
They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating
the grub worm population. You got a fucking problem with that?!
Not nearly as much as l do with the, uh, attire that you have on,
or just your general point of view towards everybody.
But let's go kill some birds. l'm psyched.
Have you even shot one of these things before?
The whole 17 years we've known each other,
l've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world.
No, l don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
l feel totally ridiculous. Like why do l have to be in camouflage?
So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
l know. lt's like, why can't we hunt something cool
like a hawk, or an eagle, or something with some talons?
That'd be awesome. You mean, something like big game even like a gorilla...
Yeah. Gorilla!
- or rhinoceros... - Rhino!
or a fucking human being? That'll get you jacked up.
That's a little heavy.
l mean, like-- you're hunting a human being right now,
the most dangerous game.
Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed...
- Oh, if he wasn't armed. - ...but a clever-- a clever human being
- who knows the jungle, or the woods. - Or like a bad guy.
There's something not right about these guys.
What do you mean?
- l mean, it's time to send them home. - Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Just relax, l'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
All right.
To the right!
Argh!
- Oo-ooh! - Ooh.
- They got me! - Oh, shit.
Ow! Jesus!
- You okay, buddy? - Oh, don't ''okay, buddy'' me.
Look, we just came by to say we're gonna take a little bike ride
and then we're gonna come back and check up on you.
And take care of him, okay? l want you to get my little angel up and running.
- Hang in there. - l hope you flip your bike over
and knock your two front teeth out, you selfish son of a bitch!
You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
# Ch-ch-ch-uh, ch-ch-ch-uh #
# ln the summertime when the weather is hot #
# You can stretch right up and touch the sky #
# When the weather's fine you got women #
# You got women on your mind #
# Have a drink, have a drive #
# Go out and see what you can find #
# We're no threat, people #
# We're not dirty, we're not mean #
# We love everybody, but we do as we please, when the weather's fine #
# We go fishing or go sailing in the sea #
# We're always happy #
# Life's for livin', yeah, that's our philosophy... #
# Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah... #
- Tough luck, Ralphie boy... - Randolph.
Shh. l'm watching my stories, man.
ls that what you get paid to do?
lt's exactly what l get paid to do.
Look, l want to know where Claire is.
She took a bike ride down to the beach.
With who?
With that fellow from the wedding
that everyone seems to be so fond of.
So you're a venture capitalist?
What does that mean?
Oh, it's really not that interesting, actually.
You don't sound very enthused.
Oh, no, it's just--
you know, things started happening
and you go down a road and you think
it's just for a little while.
And then you get caught up in it
and you're kind of into it
and just don't even have time
to really ask questions about it. And before you know it
you're living a life that you didn't set out to, or that you intended to.
Do you know what l mean?
Yes, l do.
l think that there's some great things
that l'd like to do,
that-that maybe l'm capable of, hopefully.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
l don't know.
We'll see. l'm still young.
Well...
you're not that young.
l'm sorry.
Give me your hands.
l know this game. Okay.
l'm not gonna bite you.
Do you want it full speed or half speed?
Full.
You're never gonna hit me, l don't think.
l'm pretty quick.
What?
- Let me get settled before you go. - You didn't approve of that?
No, because you're supposed to--
You gotta wait until l put them back!
Come on!
So what about you... with Sack?
ls that a good thing?
Yes, l think it's a... good thing.
You don't sound very enthused.
l am.
l-- well, l mean, l think l am, l--
l'm--
Okay.
l g-- you know, we've just been
talking so much about the future lately
and, uh... l mean, l always assumed that we would get married.
But, uh...
l'm scared.
l am.
But l think that that's how everyone feels
before they're about to get married. l mean,
don't you think?
Yeah, no. Don't answer that.
That's my rationalization and l'm sticking to it.
Fair enough.
And l don't mean to pry.
Yes you do.
Well, however it works out, l hope you--
uh, l hope you realize
that you deserve somebody great.
l have an announcement.
l know that we said we were gonna wait, but, uh,
given the spirit of this weekend
well...
Claire, come on.
Come on. Come on come on, it's okay.
Come on! Come on.
Claire and l are getting married.
Good, Sack. That's wonderful!
- Wonderful. - Wonderful!
Way to go, man! Way to go!
Claire bear, you never told me!
Two of the great American families.
- Claire, you took us all by surprise! - Yeah.
- You're good! You're good!
Can-can you just give me one minute?
- Yeah! - Okay.
Great.
Congratulations, young man!
- Welcome to the family! - This is wonderful!
Look, kid, l'm sorry. You win some, you lose some, right?
- Let's go home. - No, l'm not--
- l can't-- l can't do that. - What are you talking about?
Look, l-l think l'm in love with her.
Yeah, l-l-l think-- l think that you're nuts.
That's what l think.
l'm gonna tell her the truth.
Jesus Christ!
- Hey. - Hey!
How are you!
Okay, listen, Gloria, you know that l think
that you're an amazing person, a really amazing person,
but l feel like l have to be upfront with you.
l-l-l really don't see this relationship going further than this weekend.
But l love you!
Yeah, l think you'll learn as time goes on
that there's a difference
between infatuation and love, you know?
Obviously, you're gonna have strong feelings for me
because you lost your virginity to me,
- but that doesn't mean-- - Oh, l wasn't a virgin.
- What? - l wasn't a virgin.
Far from it.
l just thought that that's what guys wanted to hear.
Come on.
Jeremy!
Wow!
Hello, son.
- You okay? - Not now, Father, please.
No offense to you,
l think we might be on different wavelengths.
l think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me,
but, uh, have a little of the sacrament here.
No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up.
There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot.
Take it while it's hot. l'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is.
Can l ask you a question, Father?
Do you ever get horny?
l'm sure you do. l just-- in your position
you're not-- right? lsn't that you're not allowed to...
sleep with anybody, right?
Does that get tough sometimes?
You ever pull on yourself, or--
No.
Everything works? Do you get swelled up still?
Yeah, of course.
- Well, what do you do? - You pray.
Yeah, l pray, too, you know what l mean?
l mean, l believed that she was a virgin.
lt hurts to be lied to like that.
lt's a horrible feeling to feel that way.
But l, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too.
So could l really feel that bad?
lt's not like l was who l was. You know what l'm saying? So, fair play.
And let's be honest with each other here, okay?
Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket.
This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend.
And you wanna know what? l dig it! lt turns me on!
Yeah! lt turns me on!
Because you wanna know what the kicker is, Father?
Maybe l'm a little fucking crazy!
That's right! Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.
Maybe there's something about me that l'm a little cuckoo.
l know it's a surprise. l know it's not on the surface.
l mean, l had an imaginary friend when l was a kid. His name was Shilo!
We used to play checkers with each other every day,
and bless his heart, Shilo'd always let me win!
And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that,
but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel
like you're connected with somebody. l don't know!
But l know when that redhead starts getting kooky
that something about me feels alive inside!
l'm diggin' talkin' with ya. You're a really enlightened cat
and l like that about ya. l think you're a special special man.
Okay, come in for the real thing.
- Mmm? Mmm? - Get in here for the real thing.
l love ya. You're a sweet man.
Oh, dear God.
You can't marry this guy.
Why?
Because l've fallen for you.
Oh, good news travels fast.
Excuse me.
Sorry, thanks. Thanks.
Trapster, talk to me.
No shit.
And do you maybe feel the same way?
Maybe.
Maybe. That's all l needed to know.
But this is crazy, because l don't know any--
- Why? - l don't know anything about you!
- What do you mean? - You do investments in New Hampshire
and you have a crazy brother--
Well, actually, l need to talk to you about that. lt's not a big deal,
but maybe you want to sit back on the swing.
Run!
Johnny! She's trying to kill me!
- Grandma! - Whoa whoa!
- Get the gun from her! - Put the gun down!
- Mother, stop! - This is the real world, lady!
You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
- What did you do? - l told you that in confidence!
- That was a confession! - What are you talking about?
Why don't you tell her, John?
- l don't know what's going on. - You don't know?
- l'm playing catch up, too. - l don't--
- Sack, what are you doing?! - Remembering yet?
- You remember yet? - Are you okay?
They're not who they say they are, Claire.
- Those aren't even their real names. - What?!
No, everything he told you is a lie.
l-l don't understand what you're saying.
Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.
No, you're joking.
All of it is a lie. Don't you fucking get up.
- Sack, will you just stop?! - Okay okay.
ls that true?
No, well, no, it's-- not entirely.
No, it's a yes or no question.
l know, but it's complicated.
Yes or no?
Yes...
- with shades of grey. - Oh.
l'm not perfect,
but who are we kidding? Neither are you.
And you wanna know what? l dig it!
Jeremy tried to seduce me!
You did?
l want my painting back.
The painting was a gift, Todd.
l'm taking it with me.
You had me going, son.
l thought it was something special.
There's a ferry leaving in 10 minutes.
l suggest you be on it.
Come on, let's go.
l want you.
l love you.
He made a fool out of you, Claire.
Come on, let's go.
Sweetheart.
Now bunch those panties up into a little ball.
Put that little ball right in your mouth.
- Oh, that's good. - Hang up the phone.
Okay, and l will definitely call you back later then.
- Come on, wrap it up. - Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
What the fuck? You can't knock anymore?
- l know how l can get to her. - What?
l know how l can get to Claire.
Oh, John, you gotta drop this thing.
l'm-- l can't do this anymore with you, okay?
lt's been several months, and you haven't heard anything from her.
She hasn't returned your phone calls,
she's never responded to one of your letters,
- she didn't respond to the candygram. - Right.
God knows what happened to the little kitten that you got her.
Because she didn't keep it and l know you're not raising that goddamn thing.
- Okay. - l think it's very obvious
at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
l disagree. Now look, they're having the engagement party
for her tonight at the beach club. We're going at 7:30.
l'm not g-- John, l can't--
Okay okay, listen to me, Tasmanian devil.
- Listen to me. l can't go. - Why?
'Cause l can't go, because l have a schedule. Because l have--
What is your deal? What is your problem?
For the past couple of months you've been a ghost.
l can't find you anyplace, and now l come to you with an idea,
l put myself on the line, you shoot it down with your negativity.
Your goddamn negativity! l don't need it! l'm an idea man.
l thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take the wind out of my sails. l need you.
Buddy, you know l love you,
and l hate to see you like this,
but we gotta look at reality here.
There's gonna be Secret Service at this thing. They have pictures of us.
There's not a shot in hell we can get into this thing.
You're so cautious. l'm more of a risk taker.
l'm two steps ahead of you and 10 steps ahead of Secret Service.
Oh, yeah. 46 extra long, baba ganoush special.
We're waiters!
Buddy, for your own good, you gotta let this thing go.
Now, l'm gonna meet you there at 7:30, okay?
Okay.
- Hey, how do l look? - Good, man.
- Good. - Where's your friend?
Late, as usual. ls Claire--
- Oh, she's looking fine! - Okay.
Next thing you know they pick me up,
put me on the top of this mountain
and they start chanting, and l realized
they thought l was God!
And l'll tell you something, l thought l was too.
Claire.
Let's dance.
You!
Okay, Sackmaster,
one more. We should get back to the bar.
You're right.
You get near my fiancée again,
l'll kill ya.
Did you check out the rack on that bartender?
Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.
Oh my God, yeah, she will. You're right.
Hey!
# Everyone who's anyone was there... #
- God damn it. - # They all had something to share #
# About so-and-so and on and on #
# l'm in the corner speechless... #
Perfect.
Johnny, wait a second.
Come on, John!
Oh, what time is it?
John, will you wait a second so l can talk to you?
Hold on, man.
Will you stop? Stop-- l'm not gonna chase you
down the whole fucking street, man.
Hold on a second. Let me talk to you for a second here.
About what? About how you left me high and dry
- to get my ass kicked by Sack again? - Sack did that to you?
And how long have you been sneaking around with Gloria
- behind my back? - l wanted to tell you about Gloria.
l tried to. l didn't know how.
And l'm sorry that you had to find out this way.
l'll level with you.
l care about her a lot.
l love her.
What?!
You're unbelievable! Judas!
Rule #5. You're an idiot.
You're wrong to pull out the rulebook on this.
There was never any rules about this. What's the rule
about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.
Rule #115.
You're an asshole.
# l'm awake #
# You're still sleeping #
# The sun will rise #
# Like yesterday #
# Everything #
# That we are now #
# ls everything #
# We can't let go #
# lt's gone forever... #
This is John.
Whatever.
Hey, John, it's Jeremy.
Uh, just calling to see what you're up to, uh...
would love to hear back from you, man.
Play sharp.
And we'll do the wedding in peaches and apricots.
Even though it's a June wedding, should the weather turn nasty,
warm colors will really help you.
# Don't you go away tomorrow... #
Johnny.
Johnny, open up, man.
Does anyone ever feel like they're just...
disappearing?
l feel so much like giving up.
Yeah!
Get it?!
Put your hands out like this.
- Claire. - Please.
Hi. Thanks for coming.
- Hey! - Get off her, man! What are you doing?
You're supposed to move your hands.
You're not getting enough attention?
Love doesn't exist!
That's what l'm trying to tell you guys.
And l'm not picking on love,
'cause l don't think friendship exists either.
Hey! Yeah!
Are you okay? Get up, buddy.
Move it on.
Gloria, l've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately,
and l-l think that l'm ready
to take, um, this relationship,
our relationship to the next level.
To what the next level of the-- of the--
of the relationship would be.
- Jeremy! - ls that good?
l'm so ready to take it to the next level too.
Do you want to watch me with a girl?
What about those Brazilian twins we met at the ballgame?
l-l was-- l was-- l was thinking
more along the lines of an-- of an-- of an engagement.
But that sounds terrific. That sounds-- that sounds unbelievable.
The Brazilian girls were very nice. They seemed like--
Oh, Jeremy, l do!
- l love you. - l love you.
l-l can't believe that they're getting married.
l mean don't you-you think that's really soon?
Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.
Has to have what she wants when she wants it.
Well, we had to give her a Sweet 16
on her 1 3th birthday. You remember that.
Yeah, l remember, but this is--
Dad, this is marriage!
When you know what you want, you know what you want.
So...
which of these do you like?
Um...
well, l could-- l could go with the tall tapered arrangement
with, uh, tulips and freesias and orchids,
or l could go with a votive
of roses and lilies, l don't know.
- Claire bear. - Yeah?
What's wrong?
Look...
we have no way of knowing
what lays ahead for us in the future.
All we can do is
use the information at hand
to make the best decision possible.
lt's gonna be fine.
- Your whole life is gonna be fine. - Yeah.
Happy birthday.
Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
Oh right, that's today.
l see you've been getting into a little light reading.
That's not mine. l bought that for a friend.
Yeah.
So how have you been?
- Great. Really spectacular. - Good.
- What have you been up to? - Eh, you know,
this and that. Crashing weddings.
- Alone? - No, not alone.
Well, who have you been crashing with then?
Chaz.
- Chaz? - Chaz.
- John, you don't even know Chaz-- - Yes, l do.
He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
All right, look, l wanted to come by here
and tell you that l feel really bad
about everything that's happened between us.
Your friendship means a lot to me.
l miss seeing you.
l know, l--
look, l'm-- l'm happy for you.
l'm glad you found someone.
l can't tell you how glad it makes me
to hear you say that, man.
Get on in here, let the big bear
get his paws on you. You know l love you.
- lt's good to see you. - Good to see you.
Are you sure you've been-- this does not look like a guy
- who's been okay. - Oh, l know.
- lt's like a pigsty. - lt's like a mosh pit in here.
Listen, l'm getting married.
- Get out. - What?
You just sat there and said that you were happy for me, that l'm--
l'm hanging by a thread. l'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
- You said that the book wasn't yours. - Don't worry about the book.
lt isn't mine, but l glanced at it.
John, you've been my friend
for 16 years. l'm getting married.
l need you there to be my best man.
Kindly leave!
- l'm try-- - Kindly leave.
Would mean a lot to me if you came.
Oh, l bet it would, hillbilly.
What?!
- White trash! - What are you talking about?
Out! Out!
You better get your ass to that wedding.
- Yeah? - Hi, is Chaz here?
Chaz, there's someone here to see you!
Pick up your fucking skateboard!
Chaz?
What the fuck do you want?
l'm John Beckwith.
l'm friends with Jeremy Grey.
God damn it, why didn't you say so?
Come here, brother! Give me a hug.
Bring it in for the real thing!
Have a seat. Yeah.
God damn you!
l almost numbchucked you, you don't even realize.
Ouch!
- Yeah. - Hmm.
- ls this your place? - No. No no no no no.
- No, l live with my Ma. - Oh.
Yeah. You hungry?
Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
Chaz, l think l'm okay. l had a bite
- right before l came over. Thank you. - You sure?
- So, how's my protegé? - Jeremy, boy, he--
Yeah, J-bone.
J-bone is-- believe it or not, he's getting married.
What?!
What an idiot!
Oh, what a loser!
Good good! More for me and you.
More for-- more for--
l gotta go.
Hey, babe, yeah.
You do whatever you have to do.
- Thanks. - Okay, be strong.
l'm just living the dream!
That's unbelievable.
Oh, man, l feel like, ''Wow!''
lt's like l come over, l don't know what to expect.
l gotta be honest, l come in, it's like,
a little like l'm trying to get my bearings.
There's cartoons, your mom, and it's like, you still got it!
Look at her!
''Just living the dream,'' l love that!
You know what? l will have some meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.
You want some?
l knew you'd come-- Hey, Mom!
The meatloaf!
We want it now! The meatloaf!
What is she doing? l never know what she's doing back there.
''Just living the dream.'' Where did you get that girl?
- She's hot! - l got her yesterday.
- Yesterday? - Yeah.
l rode my bike over to a cemetery nearby.
Her boyfriend just died.
- You met her at a funeral? - Yeah.
The dude died in a hang-gliding accident.
What an idiot!
''Oh, l'm hang gliding!
Honey, take a good picture-- l'm dead!''
What a freak!
You met her at a funeral.
Yeah, l'll throw in a wedding every now and then,
but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.
lt's like fishing with dynamite.
- Horny? - Yeah, crazy horny.
l just-- at a funeral?!
Grief is nature's
most powerful aphrodisiac.
- Huh. - Look it up.
- l didn't know that. - That's what l've learned.
Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
Saturday-- l got one Saturday.
You're coming with!
Chaz, l'm-- l'm sorry, l don't--
l'm not judging you, 'cause l think you're an innovator, but...
there's no way l'm ready for that.
A time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to break down and a time to build up;
A time to weep
and a time to laugh;
- A time to cast away stones-- - So senseless.
Damn you, Roger.
Roger!
Oh!
Damn you, Roger!
Damn it! Damn you!
l'm in pain.
l'll try to fight it. Try to fight it.
l don't know about you people, but l'm in pain.
l know that there is no good in them
for man to rejoice and to do good in his life...
for that which befalleth
the sons of men, befalleth beasts.
Even one thing befalleth,
as the one dieth, so dieth the other.
Yea, they all have one breath,
so that a man hath no preeminence above the beast.
While each man thinks he knows love,
love, we have learned, is a mystery.
That's what makes today
so special.
We witness two people choosing to marry
ones they truly love.
Whoa whoa, hey!
Hey hey!
He's the best man.
Yeah.
Thank you.
l don't believe this.
Hat in hand.
l'm sorry l'm late.
l'm glad you're here.
And-and l'm sorry l called you white trash.
- l didn't-- - John, apology accepted.
And l'm sorry l called you a hillbilly,
l don't even know what that meant.
John, it's okay.
Do you mind if l get married now?
No, go ahead.
Hi, Todd.
Although we may choose whom we marry,
- we don't always choose... - Psst.
Claire, l'm not here to bother you,
l just came to be his best man. Don't worry about me.
Pretend l'm not here.
Okay.
l'm not a nut.
You look really pretty, by the way.
That's all l'm gonna say.
l can't stop thinking about you.
lt's all l think about and l don't know what to do.
- Ahem. - l'm sorry.
That's what makes today so special...
God, l miss you.
Okay, excuse me, l'm sorry.
Claire, hold on a second. Claire, Claire!
Claire, will you wait just a second?
All l wanted was a second alone
so l could try to explain things.
But l've never gotten that chance.
Maybe l don't deserve it.
So here goes.
For longer than l care to remember,
my business has been crashing weddings.
l crashed weddings to meet girls.
Business was good.
l met a lot of girls.
And it was childish, it was juvenile--
And pathetic.
Yeah, that's probably
the best word to describe it.
But you know what? lt also led me to you.
So it's hard for me to completely regret it.
And that person that you met back at your folks' place--
that was really me.
Maybe not my name--
l'm John Beckwith by the way-- or my job,
but the feelings we felt
the jokes, the stupid laughs--
that was all me.
l've changed. l've realized something.
l crashed a funeral earlier, and l--
Oh, Jesus.
lt wasn't my idea.
l was basically dragged to it.
l went with Chaz, who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.
He also might be a genius
because it actually does work. He's cleaning up.
- John. - l'm sorry. l'm sorry, l'm sorry.
That's neither here nor there.
And l see this widow and she's a wreck.
She's just lost the person she loves the most in this world.
And l realized
we're all gonna lose the people we love.
That's the way it is.
But not me,
not right now.
Because the person l love the most is standing right here,
and l'm not ready to lose you yet.
Claire, l'm not standing here asking you to marry me.
l'm just asking you...
not to marry him.
And maybe take a walk.
Take a chance.
Wow!
This congregation really doesn't care
about how depressing your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just-- could you go back up on the altar
so we can have a wedding?
l'm sorry.
l am.
What?
l can't marry you.
Secretary...
your daughter's a little--
Sack, l've always liked you...
so l put up with your stories
about scallops and otters,
and it's all good
because you seemed to make her happy
and that's what matters to me most.
But this is her decision.
Huh.
l stand by my daughter.
You don't know shit.
- Claire, go back up on the altar. - No.
Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.
- Stop it. - Claire, get your fucking ass
- on that altar right now! - Wow, getting a nice preview
or what marriage is gonna be like with lke Turner here.
- Sack! - Oh God, here it goes.
Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.
- l think l had him. - l know you did.
Just go kiss the broad.
Would it be a total cliché if l kissed you right now?
Yes.
Just wonderful.
So damn beautiful!
With every death there comes rebirth.
lt's the circle of life.
We're gonna be all right.
Hey.
Uh-uh-uh.
Hey.
Uh-uh!
- So, what's next? - l'm starving.
Fujimora wedding, 3:00 P.M.
Hey hey.
l'm just throwing it out. l'm just saying, just--
They would have great tempura.
We don't even have a back story, l just...
- No, forget it, forget it. - l'm talking out loud.
We're a folk-singing group
- from Salt Lake City! - Yeah!
Yes we are.
# ln the morning don't say you love me #
# 'Cause l'll only kick you out of the door #
# Stay with me... #
# Measure me in metered lines #
# And one decisive stare #
# The time it takes #
# To get from here to there #
# My ribs that show through t-shirts #
# And these shoes l got for free #
# l'm unconsoled #
# l'm lonely #
# l am so much better #
# Than l used to be #
# And l'm leaning #
# On this broken fence #
# Between past and present tense #
# And l'm losing #
# All those stupid games #
# That l swore #
# l'd never play #
# But it almost feels okay #
# Circumnavigate this body #
# Of wonder #
# And uncertainty #
# Armed with every precious failure #
# And amateur cartography #
# l'm breathing deep before #
# l spread those maps out #
# On my bedroom floor #
# And l'm leaning #
# On this broken fence #
# Between past and present tense #
# And l'm losing #
# All those stupid games #
# That l swore #
# l'd never play #
# But it feels okay #
# And l'm leaving #
# With goodbye #
# And l'm losing #
# But l'll try #
# With the last ways left #
# To remember sing #
# My imperfect offering. #
# Sailing on this boat away tonight #
# Thinking l might drown if the waves aren't right #
# Wind pushing me from side to side #
# And l'm thinking #
# Of what l had #
# And my sweetheart #
# And if l never see you #
# Again #
# l just want you to know #
# What l think #
# Sunday took me out for a walk in the park #
# And as the dark ran round, the track lights lit up #
# People running round in their shorts in the rain #
# Again #
# And again #
# Thinking that you're my sweetheart #
# You're my sweetheart #
# l can hardly see the road #
# But l'm gonna try #
# Yeah, l'm gonna try #
# 'Cause you're my sweetheart #
# You're my sweetheart #
# And if l never see you #
# Again #
# l just want you to know #
# What l think #
# lf you've got to run #
# Yeah, l'll be there #
# lf you've got to run. #
# Now Kiri waits it out #
# But she's only young enough for some things #
# Healing the sick and dumb #
# And low on the radar, the smoking gun #
# We're moving fast enough to function #
# Fast enough to function #
# Maybe it's me #
# 'Cause l seem to think in twos and threes #
# You find your open door #
# And through the skids l sail #
# And keep that love #
# Underground #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh. #